We’re a few days into August, meaning that sadly,
tragically, summer is almost over. It’s time to do as many outdoor
activities as possible before the weather cools; time to hit the beach,
time to go swimming, time to drink cheap beer with
American flags printed on the can. But the thing is, August is hot.
Really hot. Too hot. So sometimes, even though we know that we should
seize the opportunity to get outside before fall, the end of summer is
the perfect time to curl up in air conditioning
and watch a movie. To assuage you of any guilt from staying on the
couch, here are some horror movies that will bring the beach to you but
will also keep you from wanting to go to the seashore for a long, long
time.
Destined to Be Ingested
If you won the lottery, wouldn’t you go on
vacation? Perhaps one spent sailing amongst tropical islands, with
plenty of champagne and caviar? It sounds good to us, but for the
characters of
Destined to be Ingested, as you can tell from the title, it
didn’t go so well for some wealthy American tourists who ended up
ravaged on an island of cannibals. This Occupy Wall Street-style fantasy
is a mix of beautiful scenery, bloody gore, and, oddly
enough, a love story betwixt omnivore and cannibal.
Surf Nazis Must Die
Surf Nazis Must Die features the titular
gang fighting for control of an increasingly lawless Los Angeles. Lead
by Adolf, “the fuhrer of the beach,” the Surf Nazis kill gang members
and innocents alike, including a young oil rig
worker, Leroy. The movie really gets going when Leroy’s mother decides
to avenge her son’s death, breaking out of her retirement home to
annihilate the gang. This ridiculous movie, which Roger Ebert famously
walked out of in 1987, is like
The Warriors meets Blaxploitation meets, well, Nazis. It’s best to watch after turning off one’s sense of political correctness.
Devilfish
The majestic ocean is perhaps Earth’s final
frontier. The deep sea is a mysterious world filled with environments
unexplored, plants unidentified, and creatures unknown. For example, the
Devilfish! This film’s titular monster is a military-engineered
crossbreed of an octopus and a prehistoric creature that proceeds to
terrorize the coast of Florida. The notorious beast significantly culls
the Florida population, in a film ceaselessly
derided by the B-movie-mocking series Mystery Science Theater 3000. Devilfish will scare you! It will thrill you! And in our case, it will make you desperately crave calamari.
Barracuda
Barracudas are creepy-looking, snakelike fish that,
in the Caribbean, are often grilled into delicious filets. (Dinner)
tables are turned in
Barracuda, the movie, when humans become the filets! Watch as a
chemically modified barracuda terrorizes a coastal town, chowing down on
divers. The barracuda seems to prefer the taste of ladies in small
swimsuits, but he doesn’t discriminate, eating
scientists, fishermen, and even dogs. See the ocean turn red with
blood, as Barracuda proceeds to kill everything in sight.
Psycho Shark
Psycho Shark may be a movie that primarily consists of teenagers splashing at each other in bikinis, but this shallow footage belies the
psychodrama that lies beneath. Who is killing tourists on an
idyllic beach in Japan? Is it the serial killer leaving behind bloody
fingerprints? Or a giant, merciless shark? Stay tuned to find out!
Vanity Fair may have said that Psycho Shark was “best
forgotten,” but we at Popcornflix will never forget it. Watch it and
dream of an idyllic vacation with sexy ladies on Okinawa. Well, that and
an evil, spectacular CGI shark with a taste for
human blood.
Blood Hook
Summer in Wisconsin is home to the “Muskie Madness”
fishing festival, a veritable cornucopia of fishing-related activities
and merchandise. For some, fishing is a sport that inspires both
relaxation and a sense of triumph. For others, it’s
deeply boring. In Blood Hook, however, fishing at Muskie Madness is a conduit to
murder, as an ingenious serial killer hooks his victims like
fish. Seriously, though – you have to give this guy props for coming up
with an incredibly innovative way to kill. This movie will reel you in.
Watch
Blood Hook to learn about techniques for human fishing - they may or may not come in handy on your next trip to the lake.
http://popflx.com/1SQ73cy
